categorically kate

Category: live easy

  • Hosting Duty Fears

    Hosting Duty Fears

    The second weekend of April, I’m supposed to host a baby shower for a sweet, college friend of mine.  Now, hosting a baby shower brings up a lot of feelings for me (especially considering I’m not at all the “shower-hosting” type of gal) but over the last few days I have been absolutely consumed with one thought: “What will these strangers think of my house?”
    It’s so shallow. I know. But honestly, it occupies my mind at least 23% of the day. I am constantly thinking of little things I can do to make the place more inviting. When Adam and I moved into #FlorkenFirstHome at the end of last March, we had a lot of work to do. We tore down a wall, re-did the entire kitchen, and painted nearly every room in the house. After that? Well, to be honest, we got a little burned out. So instead of really taking the time, money, and energy to finish all small jobs like buy and hang roman shades, build shelves for the wall, or finally find that one last end table we need — we both just got lazy. 
    Now that I’m looking around our home though and thinking of strangers sitting in it for three hours, I’m starting to get nervous. I am nervous that our walls are too empty. I’m nervous that we have no grass in the backyard and it’s practically a mud-pit. I’m nervous that someone will think we’re cheap… or even tacky. 
    This is such an odd feeling for me because, to be honest, I love our home. Love. Love. Love. 
    Home is where I feel most like myself. It’s where I don’t have to wear a bra and where it can be 5 o’clock anytime of the day. It’s where Adam and I connect, relax, and binge together. It’s where our pets are growing and thriving. And one day, it’s where our kids will do the same. 
    So why then am I suddenly worried about it? Why am I — dare I say it — slightly ashamed of it?
    I’ve been thinking on that all day (you know, right after I ordered $50 worth of throw pillows for the sofa and loveseat) and I’ve come to the conclusion that my fear isn’t that the house isn’t good enough — it’s that others won’t see its potential. You see, when I look at this home, I can look past the empty front porch and the rotting landscape timber flowerbeds. I can see past the deck that needs to be repainted and the blinds that need to be upgraded. What I see is a space that is limitless. I see a space that Adam and I can continue to mould to our own style and preference. I see a space that will evolve with us. I see a space that has come a long way, and while it might still have a long way to go, it will be filled with love, laughter, and joy with every step. 
    I think that’s what I really fear — people not seeing that potential. People not understanding that these walls hold so much more than possessions — they hold dreams. 
    So, between now and April 11th, I’m going to spruce up little things that I can, but I’m going to try to keep a level head about it all. No, I probably can’t get furniture for the front porch. But, it’s possible I’ll find an adorable welcome mat. No, I won’t be able to re-seed the yard. But, it’s possible that I put out a colorful potted plant or two. And you know, if people go home silently judging my home, I guess that’s ok. They can silently judge my house and even me. But their silent judgment won’t stop all the amazing things that are going to happen under this roof. Those things… well, they’re worth waiting for.
  • Four Quiet Days of Nothing

    Four Quiet Days of Nothing

    Last week, Mother Nature decided that Winter needed one last laugh before Spring took over. On Wednesday evening, all types of precipitation fell from the sky and by Thursday morning, it truly looked like a winter wonderland. It was so pretty, I briefly forgot all about how much I longed for Summer. Instead, I took being “snowed-in” as an excuse to play lazy for four straight days. 
    You heard that right. Four days. On Thursday, everything was closed, including both my office and Adam’s. On Friday, both of our offices had a delayed openings but our driveway and road leading to our garage were solid ice so even after a few hours of sunshine and defrosting, we were still thoroughly “stuck” at home. Then of course, came Saturday and Sunday, and while both days were snow/ice free, I decided that I rather sit indoors and watch Parks &  Recreation on loop instead of participate in the real world. 
    Four days “snowed-in” with your husband might drive some ladies mad. In fact, I think being snowed in with anyone for four days is probably grounds for madness in general. However, I truly, truly enjoyed four days of nothingness with Adam. 
    Life isn’t always quiet. Sometimes, it is loud and joyful. Sometimes, it is hectic and crazy and you’re lucky to find five minutes to yourself.  Other times, it is heavy and the sadness hangs in the air… an unavoidable nuisance that everyone trips around. But these four days weren’t dripping with any particular emotions… they just were. 
    They were days for us to sleep in and wipe off doggy paws after our pups played outside. They were days for us sit and talk about the future and the past. They were days for us to read comics and catch up on YouTube videos. They were days for us to clean house and procrastinate on laundry. They were days for us to take walks around the neighborhood and play in the park.
    I realize that a lot can be accomplished in four days times. Perhaps Adam and I should have tackled a home project or finally finished our taxes. We did neither and honestly, I feel good about it. Four days might be a lot of time to do something, but its also a good amount of time to just do nothing. And doing “nothing” with the person that you love most in this world, is really its own reward. 
    I don’t know when Adam and I will have another four days to just do nothing. It could be years. But I do know that we both really enjoyed these four days of nothingness. It was grand. It was amazing. It was…. nothing. 

  • When you need a Snow Day most…

    When you need a Snow Day most…

    A week ago today, I was totally freaking out. I was freaking out because I had the busiest week on tap and I had no clue how I was going to survive it. This was the game plan:
    Sunday: Drive to Memphis for work.
    Monday: Work in Memphis all day.
    Tuesday: Work in Memphis part of day. Drive back to Little Rock.
    Wednesday: Cram a month’s worth of trial prep into a single day because I was told late in the game (i.e., last Friday!) that I would be solely responsible for my very first trial.
    Thursday: Wake up at 5 a.m. and drive three hours to try my first case; drive back to Little Rock.
    Friday: Possibly drive three hours to finish trying my first case. 
    Driving home from work last Friday, I nearly hyperventilated. I had no clue how I was going to manage it all. Not to mention I’ve been feeling a bit run down lately and have been on a steady stream of over-the-counter medications. 
    I woke up last Saturday and had a quiet moment to myself. I thought, “Please God. Make this next week easier. Please. I have no clue how I’ll make it work.”
    A few hours later, I got a call from a partner at my law firm. He was supposed to travel to Memphis with me. He called to say that our trip to may be delayed due to bad weather. He promised to call back on Sunday by noon with a definite answer.
    On Sunday, around 11:30 a.m., I got the call that the trip to Memphis had been delayed. We didn’t know when it would happen now, but we knew it wasn’t on Sunday or Monday. I took a small sigh of relief and figured I could go into the office on Monday and get a leg up on trial prep.
    On Monday I woke up to find that I was iced in. More than that, our office had been shut down. I took it as a sign to enjoy a day in bed and to nurse the sicklys I had been feeling. Oh, I also took a conference call for work from home (Yay for billable hours!)
    On Tuesday I woke up to find that I was STILL iced in. In fact, if anything, the hill we lived on was much more slick than the day before. It was solid ice. I started to panic. I needed to prepare for this trial. I was going to look like an idiot in front of the judge… our client… and opposing counsel! This could not be happening. I panicked. And yet, within a few hours, a series of pleadings were filed by opposing counsel and — without boring you with all the lawyer details of why it happened — the trial essentially became unnecessary! I took a HUGE sigh of relief and tried to enjoy a second day iced in with Adam.
    On Wednesday, I finally managed to make it into the office. With my trial cancelled, my desk was actually pretty clear. I did learn that the Memphis trip was rescheduled for the following day, but that it would only be a day trip now. 
    On Thursday, I headed to Memphis with two partners in the firm. It was a long day, but a productive one. 
    On Friday, I realized that my prayers had been answered. What was poised to be a week from hell ended up being okay after all. I had one busy day, but no terrible ones. Somehow, all the things that had me hyperventilating, managed to work themselves out without much assistance from me at all. 
    I guess the moral of this very long (probably boring blog post) is that sometimes you just have to let go and trust that things will work out. If you had told me that last Friday (and some people did) I would have bit your head off (and I did to a few people… Opps! Sorry y’all). But now, I see clearly that when I really, really needed it — life decided not to give me more than I could handle. 
    And friends, that’s always a happy ending. 

  • Why I haven’t posted…

    Why I haven’t posted…

    It has been quiet around these parts lately. A part of me feels like I should apologize for that, but I won’t. I’ve honestly needed some time for myself. I’ve needed time away to think… to cry… to unplug.
    I know that I am still healing from my December miscarriage. I’ve learned to accept the fact that in a way, I will always be healing. I’ve also learned to accept the fact that no one, except someone who has gone through a similar loss, will fully understand how I’ve been feeling. Sadly, that means that even Adam — my other half, my favorite person in the whole world — just doesn’t quite understand it. 
    I haven’t blogged because I’m not sure what I have to say.
    To talk about it seems redundant, hurtful, and unnecessary.
    To not blog about it seems disingenuous.
    To blog about a household project or a date night with Adam seems frivolous and silly. 
    In truth, life has gone on somewhat normally. I still wake up and go to work. Adam and I still have date nights and we continue to work on #FlorkenFirstHome. We sometimes hang out with friends. We still laugh, and yes… I still cry.

    Some days have been good. Others have bordered on great.
    But then, a hard day will come along and drag me down to the depths of despair I felt when it all began.

    In truth, I haven’t completely sorted out my emotional state at the moment and I feel like perhaps that is best done quietly. At home. With Adam.

    In short, I’m not saying goodbye to blogging. I’m just saying that I still need some time. One day, hopefully soon, I’ll wake up with a post that seems too genuine not to share. And somehow, despite my shifting moods or my sadness, I’ll feel compelled to come back to this space I love and share it with you all. When that happens, it will be a big step forward for me. I’m honestly looking forward to it.

    So here’s to moving forward… eventually. 

  • In need of an adventure…

    In need of an adventure…

    I am in desperate need of an adventure. 
    I’m probably dealing with a bit of irregular post-miscarriage emotions, but I feel like I need to throw caution to the wind and do something a bit wild. I’m going a bit stir crazy in my daily routine. The funny thing is, there hasn’t even been much of a daily routine lately. When you work in an office environment like I do, the holidays throw everything off. This week is my first “full” week in the office in about a month. But still, I feel stifled. 
    It’s not that I’m not grateful for my comfortable life or the opportunities it gives me. I am. Deeply. Truly. But I also feel as if I’m missing something grand by sitting at my desk 9+ hours each day and then going home to workout/eat dinner/watch Netflix. 

    Lately, I find myself staring at our savings account online and trying to rationalize my crazy thoughts. I want to just withdraw a few grand, book a flight for Adam and I, and jet off to Oregon like we had planned to do last October. I want to leave the office behind entirely, leave the daily worries and stresses, and just have an adventure. I want to taste amazing wines and sip dark teas in a little nook of a remote cafe somewhere. I want to dip my toe into the freezing Pacific ocean and run my fingers over smooth beach pebbles. I want to go on a hike (which is sooooo not like me) and breathe in the smells of a forrest on a crisp day. I want to explore. I want to laugh. I want to feel.

    But then I think of all the reasons that grand adventure can’t occur just now. Adam will be starting his new job in a matter of weeks and vacation time won’t be allowed for quite awhile. We need to keep adding to that savings account so that Adam can get a new car soon to replace his 15+ year old clunker. We have tons of household projects and bills that could really use the money as well. In short, there isn’t time or money for the adventure I feel my soul so desperately needs.
    But maybe I can find a piece of adventure closer to home to tide me over for a bit. Perhaps this coming weekend I can take a hike nearby and finish the day sipping hot tea in a local cafe. Maybe I’ll break the monotony of my days by cutting out of the office for a mid-afternoon shopping break or drinks with a friend. If I can’t go to have an adventure somewhere, I have to get out of this rut by creating my own adventure here at home.

    So who’s with me? Let’s make our own adventure…

  • A Note of Thanks

    A Note of Thanks

    On this blog I’ve talked about a lot of things that made me nervous. I was nervous to share my take on the Downton Abbey rape controversy. I was equally as nervous to chime in my thoughts on GOMI — and probably incredibly stupid to remind you all about that post just now.
    But I have to say, out of all the posts I’ve thought long and hard before publishing, Monday’s post takes the cake. I wasn’t ashamed that my body had failed to carry a pregnancy, nor was I afraid of any judgments to that extent. I was nervous because contrary to the fact I am one half of this lifestyle blog, I truly try to keep certain aspects of my life with Adam private. And for me, that privacy doesn’t just extend to the blog — but to my personal Facebook, my friends, and yes, even our families. Sharing Monday’s post meant sharing one of the most private details about my marriage with Adam — the fact that we are trying to start a family. 
    Why do it then? Well, I felt it would be a disservice not to for several reasons. First, one of the things that has helped me most in the past weeks was reading blog posts and articles and message boards where women shared their own miscarriage stories. It helped to know that I wasn’t alone in feeling rage, sadness, and yes, even jealousy of my pregnant friends. It gave me a sense of comfort at times when comfort was hard to find and in a weird way, I felt I should put my own story out there so that perhaps it too could bring someone comfort. 
    Second, I knew that in the upcoming weeks my writing, priorities, and the like were likely to change a bit. While I normally would consider myself a pretty relaxed, silly person, I knew that in my laid-back attitude may take a bit of a hiatus and I felt my readers deserved to know why. As a regular blog reader, you can usually tell when a writer is just “off.” That doesn’t mean you are entitled to a reason why but I personally like being in the know and figured my own readers deserved that courtesy. 
    So, while I worried about my decision to share something so personal on the blog, I truly believed it was the best thing to do in the situation. And friends… you all overwhelmed me. The last two days have been full of sweet emails and text messages of support and kind words. I’ve connected with readers who have gone through similar losses and those going through their own rough paths. The whole process has been humbling and a great reminder that each person you meet carries many unseen burdens of their own. 
    For your kindness, your support, your prayers, your sweet words — I just want to say thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I still struggle with our Internet footprint and how much is too much to share, but I am grateful I decided to press “publish” on our miscarriage story. 
    And since it is the last day of 2014 and I also want to thank you all for following this blog and the life we document on it. I realize that you likely don’t show up to read everyday and that’s okay. Hell, you might only drop in every few months or so. That’s fine with me. I know that there are plenty of blogs out there full of personalities that lead infinitely more interesting lives than Adam and I (and probably folks who proof-read a bit more carefully). So we are both incredibly grateful that you would take even a moment or two of your time to drop in and catch up with us. We have lots of fun things planned for the New Year and hope to see you around for all of them. 
    Tonight, as the clock winds down on this year, Adam and I would like to extend a final “Thank You” to all our readers for the awesomeness that was 2014. As for 2015 — well, let’s just say it’s going to be a good ride.

  • A Year of Blessings…and the One that Wasn’t

    A Year of Blessings…and the One that Wasn’t

    Each year, as December winds down and January approaches, I try to sit back and count my blessings of the year. This year, that seems a little harder to do. It isn’t because 2014 wasn’t full of blessings. It was. 
    In 2014, Adam and I bought our first home and celebrated one year of marriage. We added a new furkid to the family, found two more stray dogs happy homes in Colorado, and Adam even graduated from with his PhD. Yes, it isn’t hard to find a multitude of blessings in 2014.
    Why then am I having such a difficult time counting them this year? Well, because there was one more blessing that now… well, isn’t. Until recently, Adam and I were keeping this blessing — the greatest of them all — all to ourselves. I’m sure some people had guessed both in our lives and on the blog. After all, I had been foregoing my favorite wines, my posts had become a little sporadic, and my answers to emails and comments slowed considerably. All of this happened because our sweet, tiny blessing was nestled deep within me… safe, growing. Until it wasn’t. 
    Adam and I were expecting another little “Florken” until very recently. We weren’t past the first trimester, but the end of it was within sight. We were preparing to break the happy news to family soon in the New Year followed shortly of course, by sharing the news with all of you. We spent our days reading up on all things baby and pregnancy and our nights joking about which traits our little one should and shouldn’t get. 
    Everything was okay until the moment it wasn’t. Immediately after, I felt as if everyone, including me, took quiet steps around the pain… the truth. The nights that immediately followed were sometimes full of those ugly cries. And now, as January approaches, I no longer get to plan the look on faces when we announce, because there will be no announcement. Instead, family found out as I was sitting in an ER with all my hopes crashing in on me.  It’s good to know I’m not alone in going through this loss or in feeling the way I do, but still – the loss can feel isolating.

    A few weeks ago, I sat across the table from a pregnant friend and silently stroked my own flat stomach while a group of us discussed her baby shower preparations. While she smiled from ear to ear and talked about the devil that is the first trimester, I silently chuckled and imagined how much I’d be showing at her shower. Now I know that I won’t be showing at all because while 2014 was a year full of so many blessings — there was one that was lost.

    I’m determined to recognize 2014 for it’s greatness and I’m equally determined that 2015 will be a year of more blessings. Home renovations will be done. Jobs will be found. Savings accounts may grow. And who knows — maybe the fates still plan on delivering us a bundle of joy. In the meantime though, I will try to have hope, not sadness, when I see pregnancy announcements and updates. I will try to have hope, not jealousy, when I see beautiful baby bump photos. I will try to have hope, not malice, when I see others introduce their own bundles of joy to family and friends.

    Yes, 2015 will be a year of Hope for me. After all, Joseph Addison once said the “[t]hree grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.”   I definitely have things to do to keep me busy and I have the best person in the world, Adam, to love. And now, as 2015 knocks on my door, I have something to desperately hope for as well. Maybe 2015 won’t be so bad after all…

  • A Quiet Christmas

    A Quiet Christmas

    I don’t want a lot for Christmas. I don’t. 
    This year, I want to sleep in. I want to wake up and bake cinnamon rolls while Adam rolls his eyes at my Christmas movie selection. I want to drink copious amounts of hot tea and chilled wine. I want to spend a few hours absorbed in a good book or maybe even a comic I borrowed from Adam.
    I want to take a few moments to reflect on my past Christmases with my partner. Three years ago, we had just met and spent the holiday apart. There isn’t a single picture of us together for our relationship was brand new… but there is a picture of the really awesome Christmas gift I got Adam – a Santa themed basket filled with goofy things reminding him of our first two months together. Two years ago we were recently engaged and traveled from family house to family house to celebrate with those we loved. One year ago we were newlyweds with new home dreams dancing through our minds and our first Christmas spent with our adoring our niece. This year, we’ll be together, in our first home… just the two of us.
    There will be a day for noisy Christmases. There will be a day when Christmas is filled with tons of family and many friends. There will be a day when we awake early to open Santa presents and when we worry about who is having to sleep on the couch or whether we have enough coffee for all our guests. But this year it will be quiet. 
    It will be just Adam and I in our own home with our furkids. It might be a quiet Christmas, but it will still be a Christmas to remember.
    How are you spending Christmas?

  • Our Internet Footprint

    Our Internet Footprint

    When I first started blogging, I don’t think I ever seriously thought about the Internet footprint I would be leaving behind. We all know that you can never “get back” anything you put online. But, when I started this blog, I don’t think I really dwelled too much on that fact. We started the blog because I had met other bloggers that I liked and admired. We started it because I wanted a space to document our lives together. We’ve continued it because I feel like we have a strong point of view and we both want to share our life choices and philosophy with others. 
    Still, it still sometimes strikes me as odd that two years ago, the only people who knew what the word “Florken” meant were Adam and I. I even recall Googling the term and getting no relevant hits back in the day. It was a secret way for Adam and I to refer to our lives… our family. But now, a simple Googling of the same term leads straight to this place. Even scarier are the Google Images — our faces are there for all to see! As I snuggled down in bed last night it suddenly struck me that even if one day Adam and I decided to leave this space, those images… those search results… that legacy will still, in some small way be there. It’s not like we are giant bloggers who have thousands and thousands of followers. We aren’t, nor are we ever truly likely to be. Still, the idea of a permanent Internet footprint should give us all a little pause.
    If you blog, you put your life out there for all to see. Not everyone out there is nice. Not everyone out there will love you. Not everyone out there is harmless. These are negatives that exist and must be thought about. Before each post, I try to make sure we haven’t shared “too much.” I try to ask myself if this post could ever be embarrassing for future children. I try to ask myself whether I want it forever associated with our name and our family. It’s a hard balance to strike sometimes and all too often I have failed miserably at it, but I still try. 
    For now, we love blogging. We love this space. We love what it offers and we love those we meet. However, I think I will always be slightly uneasy with our Internet footprint but maybe that’s for the best. Being wary of my own footprint just might keep me on my toes…
    Do you ever worry about your own Internet footprint?

  • Why We Aren’t Buying Gifts this Christmas

    We aren’t doing Christmas gifts this year and I refuse to feel guilty about it. In fact, I feel liberated. Our anti-Christmas gift stance actually arose for a variety of reasons. 
    First of all, last year was a super expensive pain in our butts. We tried to be very reasonable. We did. We set a budget of around $25-$40 a person. But between my family, Adam’s family, and a few of our closest friends, we easily exceeded the $500 without blinking an eye. And that didn’t even include gifts for each other! Because costs added up so fast, I found myself constantly worried about expenses. Sure, we could load $300 worth of gifts in the car but we might not be able to afford gas for the trip to visit the people who they belong too. So basically, it was just too much money. That’s the reason that nearly everyone (who doesn’t have limitless funds) can relate to.
    Second, gifts had gotten too competitive. Instead of feeling great about picking up a great gift that really reminded me of someone, I was worried about the gift being either too big or too small. Family members were constantly calling to ask what “else” we wanted because they had exceeded a budget for one person meaning that in turn, our own budget was going to increased out of guilt. (What?!) Gift exchanges became a type of competition for who could give the gift that would get the best reception. And of course, when a gift didn’t get that a warm reception or if there weren’t enough “ooohs” and “ahhhs”, suddenly, feelings were hurt. So basically, it was just too many hurt feelings waiting to happen.
    Third, gifts had really lost the meaning of the season. To me, Christmas will always be, in part, about childlike innocence. I can vividly recall insisting I saw Santa’s sleigh fly over our house. I remember waking up early and running outside to see if Santa’s reindeer had eaten the “reindeer food” my third grade teacher handed out. (It was birdseed fyi. In case you were curious.)I fondly recall baking cookies to set out for Santa and willing myself to fall asleep so that all the magic could begin. Those Christmas memories are golden. But as of late, Christmas became 8+ adults sitting around a room opening gifts in turn. There were no special baked cookies for Santa, no reindeer food, and no sleigh sightings. Without the gift of seeing Christmas through a child’s eyes, it seemed silly to sit around and exchange gift cards of equal value. So basically, without a sense of childlike wonderment, Christmas gifts just fell flat for me.
    Finally, Adam graduates this December with his PhD. While I’m over the moon excited for him, it also means that his job at the university is over. Soon, Adam will be on the hunt for something else to keep him busy from 8-5 and provide income for our family. With so many unknown factors, it didn’t seem practical to spend a lot of time and effort on gift giving. So basically, we had bigger fish to fry and gifting just didn’t make the cut.
    I have to say, as sad as it was to break the news to our families that we weren’t doing gifts this year, I feel so good about our decision. Adam and I are going to be able to stick money back into our savings account in December to help prepare for the unknown future after his graduation. We also don’t have to fight crowds and lines or stress over budgets and lists. I’m looking forward to a Christmas holiday spent, as I think they should be — focused on what really matters. What really matters to us, isn’t gifts under the treat or stuffed stockings. For us, what matters is time with people that we love, creating memories and laughs that carry us through darker times. 
    So this year, Adam and I will watch Christmas movies, sing Christmas carols, eat way too much delicious food, and sip hot beverages in front of fireplaces with those we love. But we’ll do all of it without gifts under our tree. And you know, that doesn’t bother me one little bit.
    Would you ever consider a giftless Christmas?