Each year, as December winds down and January approaches, I try to sit back and count my blessings of the year. This year, that seems a little harder to do. It isn’t because 2014 wasn’t full of blessings. It was. 

In 2014, Adam and I bought our first home and celebrated one year of marriage. We added a new furkid to the family, found two more stray dogs happy homes in Colorado, and Adam even graduated from with his PhD. Yes, it isn’t hard to find a multitude of blessings in 2014.

Why then am I having such a difficult time counting them this year? Well, because there was one more blessing that now… well, isn’t. Until recently, Adam and I were keeping this blessing — the greatest of them all — all to ourselves. I’m sure some people had guessed both in our lives and on the blog. After all, I had been foregoing my favorite wines, my posts had become a little sporadic, and my answers to emails and comments slowed considerably. All of this happened because our sweet, tiny blessing was nestled deep within me… safe, growing. Until it wasn’t. 

Adam and I were expecting another little “Florken” until very recently. We weren’t past the first trimester, but the end of it was within sight. We were preparing to break the happy news to family soon in the New Year followed shortly of course, by sharing the news with all of you. We spent our days reading up on all things baby and pregnancy and our nights joking about which traits our little one should and shouldn’t get. 

Everything was okay until the moment it wasn’t. Immediately after, I felt as if everyone, including me, took quiet steps around the pain… the truth. The nights that immediately followed were sometimes full of those ugly cries. And now, as January approaches, I no longer get to plan the look on faces when we announce, because there will be no announcement. Instead, family found out as I was sitting in an ER with all my hopes crashing in on me.  It’s good to know I’m not alone in going through this loss or in feeling the way I do, but still – the loss can feel isolating.

A few weeks ago, I sat across the table from a pregnant friend and silently stroked my own flat stomach while a group of us discussed her baby shower preparations. While she smiled from ear to ear and talked about the devil that is the first trimester, I silently chuckled and imagined how much I’d be showing at her shower. Now I know that I won’t be showing at all because while 2014 was a year full of so many blessings — there was one that was lost.

I’m determined to recognize 2014 for it’s greatness and I’m equally determined that 2015 will be a year of more blessings. Home renovations will be done. Jobs will be found. Savings accounts may grow. And who knows — maybe the fates still plan on delivering us a bundle of joy. In the meantime though, I will try to have hope, not sadness, when I see pregnancy announcements and updates. I will try to have hope, not jealousy, when I see beautiful baby bump photos. I will try to have hope, not malice, when I see others introduce their own bundles of joy to family and friends.

Yes, 2015 will be a year of Hope for me. After all, Joseph Addison once said the “[t]hree grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.”   I definitely have things to do to keep me busy and I have the best person in the world, Adam, to love. And now, as 2015 knocks on my door, I have something to desperately hope for as well. Maybe 2015 won’t be so bad after all…