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A Year of Blessings…and the One that Wasn’t

Each year, as December winds down and January approaches, I try to sit back and count my blessings of the year. This year, that seems a little harder to do. It isn’t because 2014 wasn’t full of blessings. It was. 
In 2014, Adam and I bought our first home and celebrated one year of marriage. We added a new furkid to the family, found two more stray dogs happy homes in Colorado, and Adam even graduated from with his PhD. Yes, it isn’t hard to find a multitude of blessings in 2014.
Why then am I having such a difficult time counting them this year? Well, because there was one more blessing that now… well, isn’t. Until recently, Adam and I were keeping this blessing — the greatest of them all — all to ourselves. I’m sure some people had guessed both in our lives and on the blog. After all, I had been foregoing my favorite wines, my posts had become a little sporadic, and my answers to emails and comments slowed considerably. All of this happened because our sweet, tiny blessing was nestled deep within me… safe, growing. Until it wasn’t. 
Adam and I were expecting another little “Florken” until very recently. We weren’t past the first trimester, but the end of it was within sight. We were preparing to break the happy news to family soon in the New Year followed shortly of course, by sharing the news with all of you. We spent our days reading up on all things baby and pregnancy and our nights joking about which traits our little one should and shouldn’t get. 
Everything was okay until the moment it wasn’t. Immediately after, I felt as if everyone, including me, took quiet steps around the pain… the truth. The nights that immediately followed were sometimes full of those ugly cries. And now, as January approaches, I no longer get to plan the look on faces when we announce, because there will be no announcement. Instead, family found out as I was sitting in an ER with all my hopes crashing in on me.  It’s good to know I’m not alone in going through this loss or in feeling the way I do, but still – the loss can feel isolating.

A few weeks ago, I sat across the table from a pregnant friend and silently stroked my own flat stomach while a group of us discussed her baby shower preparations. While she smiled from ear to ear and talked about the devil that is the first trimester, I silently chuckled and imagined how much I’d be showing at her shower. Now I know that I won’t be showing at all because while 2014 was a year full of so many blessings — there was one that was lost.

I’m determined to recognize 2014 for it’s greatness and I’m equally determined that 2015 will be a year of more blessings. Home renovations will be done. Jobs will be found. Savings accounts may grow. And who knows — maybe the fates still plan on delivering us a bundle of joy. In the meantime though, I will try to have hope, not sadness, when I see pregnancy announcements and updates. I will try to have hope, not jealousy, when I see beautiful baby bump photos. I will try to have hope, not malice, when I see others introduce their own bundles of joy to family and friends.

Yes, 2015 will be a year of Hope for me. After all, Joseph Addison once said the “[t]hree grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.”   I definitely have things to do to keep me busy and I have the best person in the world, Adam, to love. And now, as 2015 knocks on my door, I have something to desperately hope for as well. Maybe 2015 won’t be so bad after all…

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  • Reply Kiersten McMonagle

    Im so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what you both are going through right now, but my thoughts are with you.

    December 29, 2014 at 1:31 pm
  • Reply Morgan Sparks

    Kate, I am so sorry to hear about this devastating loss. I'm sending you and Adam prayers as you both try and get through this difficult time.

    December 29, 2014 at 2:02 pm
  • Reply Marcie

    Oh Kate, I'm so sorry. I know just how you feel, although I wasn't as far along as you. I'm here if you ever need to talk (or yell about the unfairness of life).

    December 29, 2014 at 2:30 pm
  • Reply Faith Golden

    oh Kate, I'm so sorry for your loss. I will keep you and adam in our prayers in this time that I know must be very difficult. I love your hope..that what keeps us going in those difficult times. having hope.

    December 29, 2014 at 2:33 pm
  • Reply Blake's Everyday Adventures

    I am so sorry for your loss. I'll be thinking about you and Adam and sending you all the positive vibes I can.

    December 29, 2014 at 2:34 pm
  • Reply Anonymous

    I am so sorry, Kate, my heart goes out to you. Sending so many positive vibes your way.

    December 29, 2014 at 2:45 pm
  • Reply Nadine Lynn

    I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I have known so many that have recently suffered through this and I know that it is heart breaking and there really aren't many words to say to make it better. Just keep your hope and faith and I will be sending positive vibes!

    December 29, 2014 at 2:49 pm
  • Reply Monica @ The Empty Teacups

    Aw Kate, I'm so so sorry to read this. I'll be praying for you guys. Hold onto hope!

    December 29, 2014 at 2:53 pm
  • Reply Breenah A


    December 29, 2014 at 2:59 pm
  • Reply P!nky

    Oh lady, I'm so so so sorry. I know nothing I can say can help, but please know I am praying for you and your husband. <3

    December 29, 2014 at 3:09 pm
  • Reply Kate Mitchell

    I'm so, so sorry to hear this. I hope that the new year brings hope and peace and plenty of extra love for all of you.

    December 29, 2014 at 3:09 pm
  • Reply Kay R.

    So sorry for your loss Kate (and Adam)! "Something to hope for" is a powerful thing. Blessings for 2015 and onwards and we will see a little Florken in time, I have no doubt 🙂

    December 29, 2014 at 3:25 pm
  • Reply Anonymous

    Kate, I'm so incredibly sorry you had to experience this. To both of you, I'm so sorry for your loss. The words of comfort that spring to mind seem out of place and useless, so I'll just tell you I'm thinking of you and hoping you're able to find some comfort very soon. Sending love your way.

    December 29, 2014 at 3:43 pm
  • Reply Anonymous

    That is truly sad news. I hope and pray you will have a better experience next time. God bless!

    December 29, 2014 at 3:51 pm
  • Reply Kelly

    I am so, so sorry Kate! I will keep you and Adam in my prayers!

    December 29, 2014 at 3:58 pm
  • Reply Melzie at Ribbons and Rotor Blades

    I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I admire your ability to be open about it because so many aren't. And I know there are simply no words I, someone who doesn't know you, or even those closest to you that could ever take the heartache away. Instead, I'm praying for you. For Adam. Praying hard for so many things. Praying that God blesses you with a little miracle in 2015.

    December 29, 2014 at 3:59 pm
  • Reply Cassie Lee @ Sage the Blog

    My heart aches for the two of you. 2014 was full of many blessings for you guys, and I hate that it had to end on this note. Hang in there friend.

    December 29, 2014 at 4:10 pm
  • Reply Tracy

    I can only imagine. Just said a little prayer for you two.

    December 29, 2014 at 4:18 pm
  • Reply Kaylee

    Losing something like that is never easy, and I am truly sorry to hear about this heartbreak. I appreciate that you chose to share it with the world – something that I hope helps the healing process for you. I wish you lots of peace during this time and hope that the silver lining for this pain is found!

    December 29, 2014 at 4:32 pm
  • Reply Anonymous

    I'm sorry for the loss you're going through. I lost our first in 2010 and it was heartbreaking to lose something I already loved so much. It isn't an easy road to maneuver, but know that countless women have walked the path you're walking and have survived. It's ok to cry and to be sad. It's ok to be angry. It's also ok to be a little jealous because sometimes you just can't help it. It's ok. It's going to be ok. I pray that the New Year brings you peace, joy, and the possibility of a new blessing to your family.

    December 29, 2014 at 4:45 pm
  • Reply Amanda Nicole

    Oh Kate, I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so heartbreaking to hear about and so much more to actually go though it. I'm sending you lots lot prayers and virtual hugs! You'll have to share my baby juju with Becca though, but you ladies can have it all!

    December 29, 2014 at 4:54 pm
  • Reply Jenny Padilla

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending you love & hope for the new year 🙂

    From the Desk of J

    December 29, 2014 at 5:08 pm
  • Reply Kim Matheson

    I'm so, so sorry for you and Adam and your loss. I have no words, just support. Lots and lots of love, folks.

    December 29, 2014 at 5:09 pm
  • Reply Alyson Cornman Photography

    I am so so so so sorry for y'alls loss. Sending you and yours positive vibes for 2015.

    December 29, 2014 at 5:46 pm
  • Reply hunterhd

    Prayers!! And love!!! Both being sent your way.

    December 29, 2014 at 6:45 pm
  • Reply Trish @ The Trish List

    Sending you all kinds of positive thoughts for 2015!

    December 29, 2014 at 7:00 pm
  • Reply Sarah @ Seriously, Sarah?

    I am so sorry for your loss. 🙁 I know your honesty and this post will help a lot of other women through their pain.

    December 29, 2014 at 8:17 pm
  • Reply Kari | The Kari Diaries

    Sending you all the positivity I can muster for 2015. I'm confident we'll be meeting a little Baby Florken so soon. The world needs more Adams and Kates. It's inevitable.

    December 29, 2014 at 8:36 pm
  • Reply Melissa Camacho

    Sending you good thoughts and prayers for 2015. It's such a difficult thing to deal with, I've been where you are three different times. I have faith that God will bless you and Adam with a beautiful baby when the time is right. I don't mean to sound harsh in saying that (I felt like it was). I truly believe that y'all will get a beautiful baby (or more!). There are definitely people that are meant to be parents and I know without a doubt y'all are some of those people. Sending you tons of prayers!

    December 29, 2014 at 9:22 pm
  • Reply Ali

    I am so sorry for your loss. What a beautifully written post, that I'm sure will touch others going through the same think. You will be in my prayers!

    December 29, 2014 at 9:55 pm
  • Reply The Jessa Olson Blog

    I am so sorry for you and Adam. We know that feeling too well. It took both of us a lot of time to recover and be able to talk about it. I know that I am not along, but I often feel completely alone. If you need anything friend please let me know.

    December 29, 2014 at 10:03 pm
  • Reply Anne

    Thinking of you…wish there were words to ease your pain and loss. Sadly there aren't. I hope that you find a but of comfort in knowing you are thought of and supported and not alone.

    December 29, 2014 at 11:13 pm
  • Reply The Grits Blog

    I know how painful this is and wish there was a way I could ease your pain and sadness. The only thing that helps is time. I am thinking and praying for you. I am a text away if you need anything.

    December 30, 2014 at 12:22 am
  • Reply Jodi H

    I'm so sorry for your loss. It is never easy no matter what. Don't regret feeling the feelings that you are when you find out someone is pregnant or announce anything of the sort. You need to grieve your loss rather then feel ashamed of feeling that way. Only time will start to heal it, or not even heal the pain but make it a little less hard.
    xx Jodi

    December 30, 2014 at 3:31 am
  • Reply Jess Beer

    So sorry to hear about this. I know it doesn't make it better, but please know you are far from alone and many of us have been through it (including myself). You never forget, and you'll always miss that little one, but it does get easier. <3

    December 30, 2014 at 3:17 pm
  • Reply chelsea @ the new wifestyle

    keeping you both in my thoughts, i cannot imagine the deep emotions you must be experiencing but happy to hear you are keeping your focus on the positive. you are a strong woman!

    December 30, 2014 at 5:03 pm
  • Reply Casey at The Messmers

    I am so extremely sorry that this happened. My heart hurts for the both of you. Eric and I will be praying for you both.

    January 5, 2015 at 7:52 pm
  • Reply Mallory Hermann

    I am so sorry. Moments of jealousy and grief are normal so dont feel ashamed of them. We suffered a loss in May and it still hurts sometimes but there is always hope. You guys are in my prayers. Hugs.

    January 7, 2015 at 6:59 pm
  • Reply ANNIE M

    I'm super late on this, but I just wanna say that I'm so sorry about your loss, Kate! I don't always comment, but I always love reading yours & Adam's posts. You two would make awesome parents & I know that it'll come true in the future *hugs*

    January 19, 2015 at 6:03 am
  • Reply Nicole Marica

    you're definitely not alone hun, if you're up to reading my story, you can here:

    if not, no worries.

    January 27, 2015 at 8:52 pm
  • Reply Catherine Short

    I am so sorry for your loss. My husband and I have been trying for over two years and it's hard to not cloud a whole year of blessings with one area of my life that hasn't been particularly easy. Looking for those blessings has helped me, though it never fully takes away the sadness. xoxo

    March 20, 2015 at 3:45 pm
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