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Category: love hard

Happy 1st Birthday Holland

My Holland,

It is a special day. Today, you are ONE. Where has time gone?

I feel as if the last year has flown by but also, as if you have always been a part of our family.

A year ago, you were new and I was overwhelmed.
Pregnancy was hard for me — 42 weeks hard.
Labor was hard for me — 47 hours hard.
But becoming a mother was terrifying.

I felt so inadequate. You were a precious gift and I knew I was bound to screw up.
So we just took it one day at a time.
Our mornings consisted of hot tea, hour long breastfeeding sessions, and The Today Show.
Our afternoons consisted of long car rides and naps at the Target Starbucks.
Our evenings consisted of crying… lots of crying. By everyone.

Looking back, that all seems like a lifetime ago. Our days are so different now.

Our mornings consist of a short breastfeeding session and chasing you around the house — insisting that you put on clothes.
My afternoons are spent thinking of you while you play with your friends at school.
Our evenings consist of laughs, cuddles, and food… lots of food. Your evening hunger is never satisfied.

Once, when you were small and I was overwhelmed, I looked into your eyes and hoped that someday, I would love you fiercely.

Now, I love you something beyond fierce. I love you deeply. I love you madly. I love each inch of your skin and every fiber of your soul. When you smile, my entire world is made right. When you laugh, everything that I am melts. When you cry, my heart breaks and I long to soothe and comfort you.

Before you, I admit that I would always scoff a bit when I was told that a parent/child love was inexplicable. Now, I understand just how little I understood then. This feeling — the way my entire being has changed over the past year — simply cannot be explained.

You are such a big girl now. You run around the house, insisting on doing things yourself and demanding everyone’s attention. You are beginning to talk and I can already tell you are perfecting your sass. You adore your Daddy and love to play (aka bother) all the dogs and cats. Books are your favorite thing, so long as YOU get to turn the pages, and Baby Einstein makes you sleepy. Bath time is playtime and you hardly ever meet a stranger.

You hold so much potential. So much promise.
So here is my promise to you:

I will love you. I will love you with each molecule of my body and soul.
I will work to make this world a better place for you — and for your generation.
I will try harder when I’m tired, when I’m spent, when I’m overwhelmed.
I will make your life a happy one — full of pajama dance parties, bedtime stories, and marathon cuddle sessions.
I will ensure that you feel loved and supported — no matter what.
I will try hard to be the type of Mom you deserve. You my love — you deserve the best.

So Happy Birthday my baby. Yes. Baby. You’ll always be my baby.
Today may be your birthday, but you will forever be my most precious gift.

I Love You,
Mom

October 14, 2016
Monday Morning Thoughts

It’s Monday and my mind is unfocused. In a last ditch attempt to get some work done, I thought I would use the blog as a mind-dump. Here goes:

1) Why do people like printed legging so much? Seriously. I don’t get it. Especially when the print is something holiday related like Christmas trees or pumpkins. Printed leggings are cute when you are under 10 but after that I think it seems a bit over the top. Along that line of thought — what is up with dolman tops? I mean, I love them when your arms are down but when you raise your arms it looks like you are a chicken. A chicken! Who wants to look like a chicken? It is no secret that I struggle with fashion and clothing choices, but I just can’t wrap my head around these two things.

2) I am beginning to understand why parents live vicariously through their children. I am watching the Olympics — knowing that I’ll be 30 in 2 months time so my shot at a medal is gone. BUT… #LittleLadyHolland could do it, right? Right? I can’t decide whether she should be a gymnast or a soccer star. Maybe I’ll let her choose when she is older. #nopressureparenting

3) I’m really, really kicking myself lately for not being financially savvy when Adam and I first got married. We both have always had good jobs making good money. But, instead of really budgeting our money and doing smart things with it — like paying off debt — we just spent it. I don’t even really know what we spent it on. We don’t live extravagant lives. We haven’t had a vacation since our honeymoon. Neither of us have any labels hanging in our closets. And yet, I can promise you we have somehow wasted SO much money over the last three years. It really makes me sick if I start thinking about it too much. Now, we are using YNAB.com and I am feeling very confident that we are going to be able to “snowball” a lot of our debt and make great changes. But still, three years of earnings down the drain does NOT feel good man.

4) My daughter is now 10 months old! Eeek! How did that happen? She is walking. Talking. She has learned to say “No” so the attitude is strong already. Just like her mama…

5) How is voting for Trump still a thing? No seriously. How? I have never been one to be super dramatic about my chosen candidate’s potential lost. I’ve always rolled my eyes when people would say, “If ___________ wins then I am just going to move to Canada!” In the past, no single candidate (Romney, McCain, Bush) have ever made me think moving to another country would be preferable to living under their presidency. But Trump makes me reconsider my stance on such blanket statements. The trouble is though, I don’t even know WHERE we could move because I have legit fear that a Trump presidency would be SO disastrous that we wouldn’t be safe anywhere in the world. I sometimes wonder if this is how World War III happens. The thought of giving that maniac control of the nuclear codes seriously keeps me up a night.

6) I have lost all of my pregnancy weight and then some and I am so happy about it. I’m working out using the MommaStrong.com program and I’ve been eating a homemade salad each day for lunch and avoiding breakroom treats. It honestly hasn’t been too hard. I feel like I will lose even more once I stop breastfeeding. That day might come sooner rather than later if Miss Holland doesn’t learn how to quit chomping down on me with her six little teeth. Ouch! Any tips out there to stop the biting?

7) I have never once used SnapChat but I did check out Instagram Stories the other day and I don’t completely hate it. But I see there isn’t really a place to “like” or comment on something so I assume you just have to message people directly for feedback. I guess I can get behind that but it is weird having a form of social media with little to no feedback. Is that the way SnapChat works as well?

Ok — my mind is feeling a bit of clarity.Now off to grab some more caffeine before I really tackle the shit out of this Monday. Cheers!

August 15, 2016
Holland’s Nursery: Gender Neutral and Devine

Over the weekend, Holland turned 7 months. As I was rocking her to sleep for a nap, it hit me that for 7 months now I’ve been meaning to share her beautiful nursery… But I haven’t. #bloggerfail

Since we didn’t know whether our “Sprout” was going to be a boy or a girl we obviously kept things gender neutral. Even if we DID know though, I think I would have gone with something like this anyways. I loved the idea of a very calming space. The room is primarily tan, cream, and white. We did a LOT of work in this room, including adding in the wainscoting and building a closet-organization system (Thanks Dad!). All the work was worth it because we absolutely LOVE the way it turned out. Tell me what you think:

Prints via TheDailyWatercolor

Tree Stump Base for Mobile via AmberThomasMakes

“H” Letter via PlaneAndSaw

Prints via TheDailyWatercolor

We also wanted the nursery to be practical. I splurged for a very plush rocking chair and I have never once regretted that decision. In fact, that rocker has quickly become my favorite part of Holland’s room. We also wanted all of our cloth diapering needs to be very handy. You see that we repurposed (and repainted) planters to hang over her dresser (which used to be blue.. yes BLUE! I refinished it) to hold her cloth (and the disposables that she currently sleeps in at night). Beside the dresser, we have our dry pail for dirty cloth diapers (if you want to know more about our cloth diapering routine let me know and I’ll share) and beside the crib we have our regular dirty clothes hamper. This AH-DORABLE animal hamper was the hostess gift at my shower and I love it so much. It too, was a total splurge, and I am so thankful it was gifted to us because it works so well in the space.

The Baby “Florken” banner was used as decoration at our baby shower and once I saw it, I knew I wanted to incorporate it into our nursery. I found that hanging it over the dresser/changing station was the perfect touch.

I personally think that the “stars” in this nursery are the beautiful watercolor prints from The Daily Watercolor, the giant, handmade, wooden “H” from PlaneAndSaw (which you see monthly if you follow us on Instagram) and the beautiful mobile I made using a wooden stump sign created by AmberThomasMakes and some straw animal figurines. These touches seem one of a kind and really sets our nursery apart from a lot of others I’ve seen.

Holland’s nursery has easily become my favorite room in the entire house. If you have any questions about where we found certain products, feel free to ask in the comments and I’ll try to answer (if I remember). Our goal was a very relaxing and neutral space that would, hopefully, help our little love animals as much as we do. I think we did an excellent job and I love watching our little Holland grow up in this space.

May 16, 2016
To Daycare We Will Go….

I never wanted to be a “mommy blogger” but here I am… probably my upteenth post related to Holland and/or parenting. #lifestylebloggerfail

On Monday, Holland — or “Coo” — as she is affectionally known in our home, starts daycare. For the past three months, we have been very, very lucky. Adam’s grandparents temporarily moved to Little Rock for three months to watch her after I started back to work. But on Friday, they packed up their tiny apartment and headed back to Northwest Arkansas. And on Monday, Holland goes to daycare.

I’ll be honest — I’m a nervous wreck.

We visited her daycare on Friday afternoon. It was clean. Her teachers were nice. But there is still a 5:1 ratio and I know that Holland won’t get the undivided attention of any adult in the room and part of that just kills me. Since the day she was born she has always had people’s undivided attention.

For three months, she had mine. I ate, slept, and breathed her in completely. She was my sole purpose for waking up (at all hours). Then, after I went (reluctantly) went back to work, she became the sole focus of her great-grandparents each day. From sun up to sun down, they doted on her and fulfilled her every need.

Starting Monday — Holland will join the rest of the world and quickly learn that the universe does not revolve around her. That isn’t a lesson that I want her learning just yet. Still, I can already picture her sitting in a crib and crying while the teachers juggle diaper changes and bottle feedings of nine other kids. I know that they will try their very, very best. But my little girl — who has always had every demand answered timely — will have to learn that life will not always be so easy.

I love that kid. I love that kid much more than I ever expected to. When I was pregnant and people would describe a mother’s love I would internally say, “Oh yeah, yeah… blah, blah. Whatever.” But she’s here… and now, I’m so totally head over heels for her in a way I never expected. It’s inexplicable. The mere thought of her sitting in a room full of other chubby cheeked kids seeking attention makes my eyes well up with tears.

But, unless Adam and I win the lottery before Monday, to daycare she will go. So, I’m going to spend the weekend soaking up every tiny bit of her I can. I will hold her every moment she will allow without complaint. I will coddle and cuddle and assure her that she is the only baby in the world that matters. After all, to me… she is.

Then on Monday, Holland will join the rest of us and learn that the world isn’t always the kindest place. Sometimes, we have to wait for our turn. Sometimes, it makes us sad. And sometimes, it just sucks. But through it all, I hope she also learns that at the end of the day — Mommy will always be there to sweep in and save the day. And by “saving the day” I totally mean showering her with an embarrassing amount of public hugs and kisses!

#stillnotamommyblogger #iswear #okaymaybeiam

April 2, 2016
Cutting back… #bestdecisionever

As I lamented in my last post… being a working mom is hard. Really hard.

After writing that post, I laid awake all night. I was angry. Angry that I had to write it at all. Angry that I had to go to work the next morning and miss out on time with Holland. Angry that I live in a country that does not have adequate paid family leave that would have allowed me more time at home with Holland.

After hours of being angry, I started to craft a plan. My plan included cutting back on my work hours and accepting less pay. I went over numbers in my head all night. How many hours could I make work? How much of a pay cut could our family handle? I literally thought about it all night… as in, I laid awake from 12 a.m. to 5 a.m. With a 5 month old baby in the house, that probably was not the brightest idea. Despite the lack of sleep, I woke up the next morning energized. I wanted to change my life and I had a plan.

I went into work early and typed up a proposal. I would work 4 days a week but I would work slightly lengthen days by coming in the office early. I would still take off at 4:30 p.m. each day in order to pick up Holland and have some time with her before bed. The 5th day each week — each Friday — would be mine. No work! In exchange, I would take a proportional pay cut. It was a paycut that would have consequences for our family, but it was a cut we could live with. I wasn’t sure that my boss, the managing partner of our law firm, would go for it, but I knew that the alternative was resentment and anger. No one wants a resentful and angry employee.

I presented my proposal and my reasons why. My boss really seemed to understand and agreed almost at once. He wanted to know if I was open to shifting my day off if something came up that HAD to be done on a Friday and I agreed.

This has been Week 2 of my new schedule and I feel so much better. I feel like I can breathe again. I do not feel like I am failing in all areas of my life. To the contrary, I more more energized about work. I feel like I am being a better partner to Adam. I feel like I am a less distracted mother for Holland.

All parents face tough decisions. Decisions suck. But sometimes — when you bite the bullet and stand up for what your heart tells you — things pay off. Working 4 days a week isn’t the “answer” for everyone and it may not be the “answer” for me longterm. But for now, I feel like this is the #bestdecisionever!

What is the best parenting decision you’ve ever made?

March 31, 2016
The Failing Schedule of a Working Mom

It’s been a hot minute since we’ve dropped in here. I guess it is a lot harder to balance this whole “working mom” thing than I thought.

I went back to work in January. Holland has been staying during the day with her great-grandparents. Adam’s grandparents picked up their lives and moved to Little Rock for three months to keep her so that she would not have to go to daycare until April. Well, April is quickly approaching and our sweet Holland is already five months old and I’m over here still struggling to adapt to life as a full-time working mom.

Here’s what a typical day in my life looks life now:

6:00 am – Wake up

6:15-6:30 am – Feed Holland

6:45 am– Dress Holland and pack her stuff

7:00 am– Great-grandparents pick up Holland

7:00-8:00 am– Eat breakfast; get ready for work

8:00-8:30 am– Commute to work

8:30-4:30 pm – Work

4:30-5:30 pm– Drive to pick up Holland

5:30-5:45 pm – Drive home with Holland

5:45-6:45 pm – Eat dinner/play with Holland

6:45-7:00 pm – Holland’s bedtime

7:00-7:30 pm– Feed Holland/Rock her to sleep

7:30-9:30 pm– Fold cloth diapers/drink wine/spend time with Adam/shower/relax (HA!)

9:30-12:30 am – Sleep

12:30-1:00 am – Feed Holland

1:00-6:00 am – Sleep

Repeat 5x until the weekend.

On a generous day, I have 3.5 hours with my daughter and that includes time spent in the car with her and time feeding her in the middle of the night. THREE AND A HALF HOURS! Excuse my French. but….are you fucking kidding me!?

It’s so frustrating being a working mom in America. I am the breadwinner of my household and so my job is very, very necessary to pay our basic bills. Yet, I am also necessary for other reasons these days — after all, I am Holland’s only food source at the moment. (Don’t even get me started on having to hook up to my pump three times a day while I work!) And believe it or not, I really like spending time with that human being I helped create.

So, I spend Monday-Friday in a constant fog of inadequacy. I feel inadequate at work because I’m constantly thinking about Holland and wishing I was with her. I feel inadequate with Holland because I feel like I’m a part-time mom. I feel inadequate as a wife because by the time the baby is in bed, my brain is spent and I want to just rest and relax instead of fostering a relationship with my husband. I feel inadequate as a daughter/daughter-in-law because there are never enough hours in the day to call with Holland updates or send enough pictures. I feel inadequate as a friend because who actually has time to go out with friends and catch up? Not me!

Basically, I don’t have answers. I have guilt. Major guilt. Mom guilt. Wife guilt. Friend guilt. Professional guilt. Guilt might as well be my middle name at this point.

Most days, I’m treading water… praying for the weekend so I can catch my breath and not feel like a complete failure at life. I’m told this gig gets easier. I pray it does. I love my daughter and my husband so very much. But I don’t love the guilt and the full-time working schedule. Those… I could do without.

March 17, 2016
The Truth About Becoming a Parent

When people have babies they announce it by saying “I’ve never known love until now” or “Now there is a hole filled in my heart that I never knew existed!” Other people then “like” the new baby photos and leave comments about how precious the tiny newborn is and about how “in love” both parents should be. I think that’s part of the reason becoming a parent is so hard… the world expects you to be in love from the first moment. And you know, a lot of new parents probably are. This post isn’t for those parents. It’s for the rest of us…

Becoming a parent is hard. Let me repeat — it’s HARD! For me, it was 42 weeks of pregnancy and 47 hours of labor followed by an emergency c-section HARD. But for other women it is hard in different ways. And when it was over — when little Holland was out and on my chest breastfeeding for the first time — I was exhausted. It’s hard to fall in love when you are exhausted.

I stayed exhausted for days. My physical recovery involved a lot of blood, sweat, and tears. My milk did not come in for five days because of the c-section. Holland screamed, she refused to be swaddled and she nursed around the clock. I barely slept and when I did, I was usually awoken by lingering c-section pain. Those first days in the hospital are a blur to me. I remember sending Holland away to the nursery on our last night there in tears. She was starving. I had no milk for her. I was crying and was exhausted. I felt like a failure. I begged the nurses to just give her enough formula to make her feel better. Why couldn’t I feed my baby? Why couldn’t I make her sleep? Why did I decide to do this again?

Coming home from the hospital was another ordeal. Suddenly I had a newborn and there weren’t any nurses around to tell me that I was doing an okay job at the whole parenting thing. Everyone kept telling me how wonderful it was to be a parent… how my love for her should rival my love for anything else. But when I looked into her face, I didn’t feel it. I felt tired. I constantly wondered if I was doing enough or whether I was screwing the whole thing up.

Am I changing her diaper enough? Is she pooping enough? Is she getting enough milk? Maybe I should pump again. Should I make another appointment with the lactation consultant? Are they supposed to cry that much? Why isn’t she sleeping? Dear God… WHY ISN’T SHE SLEEPING?

I vividly recall changing her diaper one night and saying to her as she coo’ed: “You are cute. You are. You know kid, I really, really hope that I love you someday soon.” I felt like a failure for uttering those words. What kind of new mother doesn’t instantly love her baby? Turns out — there are quite a lot of us.

Those first few weeks can be brutal. You’re exhausted. You’re sore. You’re emotional. Sometimes, depending on how your birth happened, you are even angry. Have you ever tried falling in love when you are any of those things?

I fell in love with Adam when it was cold outside. It was winter and I recall first dates that ended with long hugs and kisses bundled up in coats and scarves. We would laugh, talk and share tiny pieces of ourselves with each other. Eventually, I realized that I had shared enough of my soul and knew enough about his to know that I loved him and wanted to be with him forever.

I fell in love with Holland weeks after her birth when it was cold outside. It was winter and we’d wake up before the sun and I’d nurse her while also nursing a mug of hot tea. We’d watch the morning news and play with brightly colored toys. I’d rock her to sleep as I counted her ten little fingers and ten little toes over and over again. Eventually, I realized that this child… this piece of me… was the greatest gift I had even been given. She was perfect and my love for her was greater than I could ever realize.

The moral of this rambling story is that it is perfectly okay to not love your baby from the moment you lock eyes. Looking back, I think a part of me always loved Holland, though at the time, that part of me was just too tired, scared, and hormonal to realize it. For weeks, I felt like a failure for not having that instant mother/child relationship I’d seen plastered on Facebook and Instagram. Now, I realize that connection doesn’t happen immediately for everyone and that’s okay. It’s normal.

Pregnancy is hard. Birth is hard. Parenting is hard.

But the Truth is that with time… the love comes. And yes… it is great and totally worth the wait.

January 20, 2016
A Letter to my Child on Returning to Work

My Dearest Holland —

I return to work tomorrow. Before you were born, I told everyone that I would long for this day. I was convinced that I could never stay home with you full time. I know now child that I was so naive.

I wasn’t prepared for how much I would love you… especially how much I would love caring for you.

I’ll admit — that first month was rough. I cried often. More than once I wondered how your father and I could have made such a mistake. Why did we want to be parents again? We weren’t cut out for this life! But with time, my reservations faded and my love for you grew. Now, I cannot imagine not waking up and caring for you all day. I know, of course, that you will be in good hands. For the next three months, your great-grandparents will care for you and I know they are more than capable of making sure that you are okay.

But I wonder if they will ever know what each of your cries mean…

I wonder if they will rock you just like I do…

I wonder if you will wake up from a nap and be scared that I’m not here…

I wonder if they will know which toys you grow tired of quickly and which ones you love…

I wonder, probably more than anything, if you will miss me.

A part of me wants you to miss me. I am your mother. I want you to know me and to miss me when I’m gone. Then again, the thought of you being in any kind of distress absolutely breaks my heart. It shatters. So perhaps I don’t want you to miss me.

I used to think I’d be dying to return to work. Now, I’m dying at the thought that I have to. But alas, financially, staying with you full time isn’t an option. I do want to show you that a woman can work and raise a family. I think that’s an important lesson to impart. And I do still want “me” time away from you. But I also want “Holland” time. There doesn’t appear to be enough hours in the day to have everything I want so I just want to chose you and forget the rest.

But that’s not how life works. We have bills to pay and unless we win the Powerball (which I’m diligently playing by the way) I don’t foresee being able to quit my job to stay with you anytime soon. So tomorrow morning, I will wake up, get a shower, kiss your sweet face a million times, and probably sob as I drive to the office. Every three hours, I will shut my office door and pump. I’ll probably cry then too — wishing that instead of the cold pump, I had your tiny, warm body held close to my skin. As soon as possible, I will rush home to you and hold you tight. You may not have even noticed that I was gone but I assure you that I will have counted every minute of our separation.

Each day, mothers leave their children to go to work. Tomorrow, I join that club. It will be hard. I know it will. But we will both be okay.

We will both be okay.

I love you.

January 10, 2016
Goodnight 2015.

I’m sitting in bed, sipping wine and watching Star Wars as the clock winds down on 2015. Occasionally, I glance at the monitor on my nightstand and watch our sweet, sweet Holland sleep peacefully. This year has been hard, yet wonderful.

It started with sadness. I miscarried our first pregnancy and my sorrow was deep. But soon, I learned I was carrying a new, precious gift and my heart, though still healing, was light again. But with pregnancy, came extreme sickness and I spent the first 18 weeks of my pregnancy more sick than I had ever been in my entire life. As my sickness finally waned, I enjoyed a beautiful summer with Adam. We worked on the yard. We painted shutters. We generally enjoyed life together.

Then, sadness struck again as my grandmother was suddenly taken from us. One month later, as the family was still mourning, my cousin was tragically killed. It was a hard, hard two months. I cried so many tears for my loss, for my father’s loss, for my aunt’s loss… for loss in general.

But with sadness comes joy and with our loss, came gain. In October — after 42 weeks of pregnancy and 47 hours of labor — we gained our precious Holland. I will be the first to admit it wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine at first. I spent many nights rocking her in tears… wondering how we could have made such a grave mistake! Why would we have ever wanted to give up our easy, parentless lives?

But tonight, as I rocked that same little girl to sleep, I cried for a different reason. I cried because I can’t imagine saying goodbye to the year of her birth. How is it possible that it shall never be 2015 again? I love her so. There aren’t words for how much that little soul moves mine.

This year has been a year of both tragedy and blessings for my family. I suppose, in some sense, all years are. Right now, I have some balls in the air and I’m not quite sure what 2016 holds. The thought is both scary… but exciting. Life can take us anywhere… at any time.

I won’t make it ’til midnight. Soon, I’ll give the baby monitor one last glance and then I’ll lay down my head knowing that I’ll wake up in the early hours of 2016 to feed our precious girl and rock her back to sleep. It will be a honor to spend my first moments of 2016 in quiet connectedness with her.

So for now, I guess I’m saying goodbye to 2015. Goodbye to the year that I said goodbye to people I loved dearly and said hello to one precious little girl that I love deeply. Never again will it be the year that I welcomed her into this world… the year that I grew her in my belly. But soon, it will be the year that she learned to walk.. learned to speak. I have so many firsts to look forward to and I will rejoice for that as I close my eyes tonight.

Goodbye 2015. And goodnight.

January 1, 2016
Newborn Photos

Holland turned two months old recently but I’m just now getting around to sharing a few of her newborn photos. Opps! That probably makes me a bad blogger, but oh well. Life is tough with a newborn and you learnt to roll with the punches and not be so hard on yourself. As always, all pictures by the amazing Niki Zimmerman of Niki Zimmerman Images. Without further adieu, here’s our little girl at her newest.

December 18, 2015