Adams says that I’m nesting. I don’t know, maybe I am. Last night, as I laid down in bed, my mind began to swirl with home projects. I silently reminded myself of all the things we needed to buy or needed to do… before… well? Before what? Maybe Adam is right. He usually is.
Part of the reason for buying this particular home was that Adam and I could see ourselves living here 5 years from now… 10 years from now… 20 years from now! We knew that it would be a work in progress. So why then am I so freaking anxious to get it all done?
As I laid silently in bed wondering why I was in such a hurry to tile our garage/washroom passthrough and build our new pantry among other things, I realized that Adam’s jokes about me nesting were probably true. But how in the world can someone nest when they aren’t even sure they are ready for a baby!
It seems like all of my friends are having/had babies. You know, even the ones I used to silently think never would. And even if I thought they would eventually, I figured I was “ahead” in that race since I was at least married and owned (er… mortgaged?) a home.
Most days I still wonder if I’d be able to keep a baby alive. I worry that I won’t be attentive enough. I worry that I will sleep through its cries. I worry that I’ll trip walking down the steps at our house and kill us both.
But other days I spend hours on Pinterest learning about the scoop on cloth diapering and making homemade baby food. I worry that when we start trying, it won’t happen. Then I worry that when we start trying it will happen. I silently picture Adam and I standing over a precious little thing as it sleeps and cringe at the thought of 2:00 a.m. feedings and a kid screaming and me not being able to console it. I window shop for books about getting pregnant and prepping for kids, but then I have an extra glass of wine with dinner and think…”Nah. This is pretty good!”
I’ll be 28 in a few months. Seriously? How did that happen? I don’t think is 28 is old.. to the contrary actually! But I always assumed that by 28 I’d either already have kids or at least feel prepared for them. I am so, so, so not prepared! Heck — we don’t even have a safe patio area yet! And then with that — I’m back to running through my mental checklist.
But if that day comes, will a baby care that the passthrough doesn’t have tile or that the pantry doesn’t exist? Probably not. If the patio isn’t safe, we’ll keep the baby inside… it won’t be walking for like what… at least 10 months or so. 10 months + 9 months of pregnancy = 19 months to get the deck done! (Wait! I don’t know how long 19 months is?! Will I become one of those mothers who refers to my kids in month age ranges forever?)
As my mind raced over all of these things last night, I wondered how I’d ever get to sleep. All of a sudden – as if he were guiding me – Adam inhaled deeply in his sleep and I found myself focused on his breathing. I matched my breathing to his and slowly I felt my fears and my tension subside a bit. I readjusted so that I could just lightly feel his breath on my back. Each time my mind started to race, I told myself, “Focus on his breathing. Just focus. Stop worrying and focus.”
My to-do list is long and it won’t go away overnight. Likely, there will be quite a bit still on it when we decide to grow our family. When that day comes, I won’t be the best mom in the world, but I’ll make it a day at a time and I’m 95% sure that I won’t kill myself and the baby walking down the front steps.
For now, I’m just going to focus on breathing… on waking up to new days and new adventures and, of course, slowly checking things off my list.
