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All the Things I’m Not Supposed to Say

This child is due Wednesday. 
Everything I read tells me that I should be anxious to meet the little one. Everything I read tells me that I should be head over heels with excitement. Everything I read tells me that to be the perfect mom, I need to be so sure of my undying love and devotion to this little soul I’ve carried for 40 weeks.
Everything I’ve read scares me because that’s not how I feel.
I’m terrified. Absolutely terrified. I have so many fears about becoming a parent. The whole process is  overwhelming. One day, I’m a regular (nearly) 29 year old with a stable job, good friends, a nice house, and a man that I love. Then suddenly, I’m a MOM on maternity leave, with friends I might have to struggle to make time for, a house that is overrun with baby products, and a man who is as lost in the deep-end as I am. That’s my fear. 
I know I’m not supposed to say it out loud, but what if I resent this kid? What if I wake up one day, longing for my pre-baby life, and decide that having a kid was a terrible mistake. Hell — I still FEEL like a kid most days myself. How in the world am I even capable of raising one? 
I’ve always wanted to be a mom but it isn’t the only thing I want to be. I want to still be a lawyer. A wife. An animal lover. A friend. A daughter. A sister. An activist. A free spirit. A political junkie. A brunch eater. A late night movie watcher. A nap taker. 
I don’t want to be defined by motherhood. I just want motherhood to be a part of my overall definition.

I feel like I’m watching the clock. I’m counting every “last”… the last time Adam and I eat out together without a child. The last time we go for a walk as a family of two. The last time we stay up late watching movies and talking about nonsense in bed. The last this… the last that. 
I really, really hope that soon I’ll start counting firsts and that each of them will hold deep joy and satisfaction for me. The first time we all sleep through the night. The first time we all go on a walk together. The first time baby smiles or makes us all laugh uncontrollably. 
But I guess until then I’m just savoring all these lasts and trying not to get too overwhelmed by the thought that everything can change within hours…. and at any moment. I’ve read all the books. I’ve taken all the classes. I’ve listened to all the advice. Now I just hope and pray that I am cut out to be a parent… a mom… and maybe, at the end of the day, I’ll somehow manage to be a pretty decent one. 

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