Today is my thirty-seventh birthday and before I dive into my annual 40 by 40 update, I have a story I’d like to share:
Thirty-one years ago, as I celebrated my 6th birthday, my mother was celebrating a milestone of her own. She had reached her long awaited due date with my little brother. Having endured 42 weeks of pregnancy myself, I can now relate to how ‘over it‘ she must have felt on that day. Swollen feet and hands. Sleeplessness and constant discomfort. And yet, there she was – wrangling a gaggle of rowdy children that she had invited into her home just to celebrate…me. Bless her.
But as so often is the case, children are oblivious to the needs of others and I was no exception. According to her, sometime during the party festivities, I stopped and placed my tiny six year old hands on her full-term pregnant belly and gave my new sibling a stark warning: “Stay in there! I am not going to share my birthday with you!”
In the end, Matthew stayed put for an another week; so either he heeded my counsel or the Fates decided to give me a bit more time to acclimate to sharing. I say a ‘bit more‘ because little did I know that one day, the Fates would actively weave strands of change in, around, and through my favorite day.
Thirteen years ago, my older sister met her now-husband and, as luck would have it, he shares my birthday. Overnight, within my extended family my day of recognition and celebration became ours; As I was then 24 and not six, I like to think that I adjusted slightly better to the shared spotlight; but in truth, I still recall feeling an intangible loss that I struggled to explain, understand, or even share with those I trusted most.
Roughly four years after that adjustment, I became pregnant with my daughter and eagerly began preparing for her arrival with my, now, ex-husband. When my doctor initially determined that my due date would be in September (albeit the 30th), a part of me was gleeful. It tickled me, of course, that my daughter would be a Libra like her mother; but a sliver of self continued to feel like maybe October would remain ‘mine’ insofar as it related to the family and life I was building with my Partner. Maybe I wouldn’t have to share.
The Fates, of course, those clever, tricky Moirai, didn’t waste a chance to remind me that anything I seek to claim as ‘mine’ is truly an indistinguishable fiber in the brilliant tapestry that connects us all.
My sweet September baby ultimately took her time and reluctantly arrived Earthside on October 14th following a 47-hour labor and delivery. I was discharged from the hospital on my 29th birthday with a stitched abdomen, an impacted bowel, and an infant. Happy Birthday, right?
Though I was too exhausted to see it at the time, my daughter’s arrival — so close and yet so distantly removed from my own — would forever change my thoughts on October and birthday celebrations altogether. Her traumatic birth had flipped a switch within me; Something that once felt special because it was ‘mine‘, grew in its noteworthiness because it was now, and would forever be, intertwined with her.
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My dear daughter turned eight this past weekend; And, as I have done in each of the seven preceding Octobers, I planned a celebration worthy of her. It, of course, included a party, plenty of presents and surprises, and a sugar intake that definitely exceeded the daily recommendation. Most importantly though, her birthday (for me at least) has become symbolic of something I hope to never take for granted: An opportunity to ensure that she knows her presence on this planet — for this lifetime — is truly remarkable and worthy of celebration. And this year — after over a decade of insisting that I no longer needed to celebrate my calendar square, I’ve finally come to my senses.
For the first time — in a looooonnnggg time — I will fully reclaim my favorite day by celebrating myself with those I love, who love me in return. Tonight there will be a small dinner + an Escape Room adventure. And on Friday, I’m opting for full cringe by throwing myself an Eras inspired 37th birthday party. My birthday present to myself this year will be the same one I give willingly and joyfully to my daughter each year: An opportunity to remember that, I too, am loved and worthy.
I think time + age have a way of making us feel like adult birthday celebrations are arbitrary and frivolous. After all, grownups should be practical. Our minds should be focused on bill paying, grocery shopping, endless laundry, and Outlook Inbox monitoring. Indulging in too much whimsy — especially when it involves spotlighting oneself — is generally frowned upon and perhaps even considered narcissistic. But my daughter taught me that each of us come into this world carrying a light that is unique and purposeful and that together, they spotlight the tapestry we all continually weave; The anniversary of our birth is a beacon, perhaps needed now more than ever, that calls us back to, and rekindles, our flame so that the world can be a little less dim.
The world’s population is currently estimated at over seven and a half billion; On average each of us share our special day with over 20 million people. My six year old self would have been horrified to know that, but my 37-year old self finds abiding comfort in it. How wonderful it is to never be alone in our celebration!
I know without doubt that my world — hell, THE world — would most assuredly be less bright without my daughter. And today, I will embrace my own inner child and concede that — even when I can’t or won’t see it — this world would also be less bright without me. And without you. Without each of us.
So thirty-one years later, I’m all out of stark warnings and instead will issue an open invitation: “It’s okay to come out now. I know how lucky I am to share my birthday with you all!”
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Here are the items I am crossing off the 40 by 40 list this year:
Level 1:
- Read 3 “classics” I haven’t read before: This item has sat, unfinished, on the list since my Year 31 update. Back then I managed to easily power through Jane Eyre + Catcher in the Rye. I ran into issues though in both picking a final classic to read and in, well… reading my pick. I initially tried both For Whom the Bell Tolls and Lord of the Flies. Nothing against either Hemingway or Golding, but I eventually set both aside in favor of more modern reads, which… left this item undone. This year, however, I read The Bluest Eye – Toni Morrison’s first novel initially published in 1970. While some may debate whether it is ‘old enough‘ to be considered a classic, I would argue that its current ‘banned’ status only solidifies its place in the body of critically necessary literature; I know I am better for having read it.
- Watch the sunrise and sunset in the same day: Without realizing it, I’ve completed this item more than once in my 30’s. Most recently, last November when I arose in Barcelona, Spain for an early-morning flight and noted the sunrise while in route to the airport, and then later watched the sun descend as I embarked on the final leg of my return journey. The year before that, it was an unforgettable sunset on my last evening in Venice followed by another early airport morning run. It seems like I am only awake early enough to catch a sunrise when I am also catching a flight 😉 I’ll get yet another go at it next month, when I travel back to Italy —this time, with my mother. This go round, I hope to be more intentional in my appreciation of the sunrise part; I will endeavor to wipe the sleep from my eyes long enough to admire its glory with the same awe that makes a sunset so moving.
Level 2:
PurchaseCreate and display original artwork from a local artist: I noted in my Year 34 Update that I had picked a local artist (and friend) to work on a custom piece for my home. Well, life happens and she ultimately wasn’t able to work on piece as planned. I still love the specific idea that I discussed with her and I hope to one day have it commissioned. Until then, however, I’ve learned to embrace my own creativity and the walls of my home now contain a variety of original artwork created by yours truly + #LittleLadyHolland. It’s been an adventure getting to know my artistic side again and I hope it is one that continues well into the next decade.
Level 3:
- Leave a 100% tip for great service: Throughout my 30’s I have made it a habit to give 100% tips on Uber/Lyft services when I felt called to by either 1) great service, or 2) meaningful connection with the driver. There was a time though, when I didn’t want to ‘count’ these tips insofar as each relates to this list, because I felt like my ‘Official 100% Tip’ needed to be for some impressive or elaborate occasion with a BIG check. In other words, if the 100% tip didn’t amount to BIG dollars, I did not consider it ‘worthy‘ of notation here. But if anything, my 30’s have taught me to have an open mind and to always take credit for my actions. I still hope that one day I can afford to tip 100% on a BIG check, but for now I know that my current practice of 100% tipping on smaller ride fares still creates BIG ripples of kindness and generosity and I am happy to mark this item off my list.
- Meet 5 “Internet Friends” in real life: At this stage of my life, it is honestly hard for me to keep track of the difference between ‘Internet Friends‘ and ‘IRL Friends‘. That distinction seems soooooo 10-years ago 😉 So many of my IRL friends have morphed into Internet ones due to lockdowns, physical moves, and other major life events. But I have little doubt that between meeting + maintaining friendships with many of my fellow ‘semi-retired bloggers’ and fellow GOMI-Fall 2015 moms in my early 30’s, plus more than one run-in with Julianne Moore (1 + 2), multiple international travel acquaintances that I keep in touch with, at least two relocated besties (I miss you Niki + Kevin!), and a handful of Bumble matches turned BFFs certainly ticks off the spirit of this item, and likely the letter of it as well. I’m good with calling this one done.
Level 4:
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Other List Updates:
- Pay off all student debt (Level 4): This would have happened this year but for an illegitimate SCOTUS striking down President Biden’s student loan forgiveness program. It will never be lost on me that millions of Americans, including myself, are expected to struggle with debt while dozens of elected officials — and others who celebrated the ruling against student loan forgiveness — lined their pockets with forgiven PPP loans, but I digress… I hope to still reach this milestone before 40.
- Become proficient (er, conversational) in another language (Level 4): I like to think that I am slowly but surely inching towards this one. Does ordering coffee in Italian while in Rome count? If so, I’m in like Flynn 😉
- Do an unassisted pull-up (Level 4): I have made progress towards this goal several time throughout my 30’s thus far, only to have each push derailed by a physical injury. This fall it was intercostal costochondritis. 0/10 I do not recommend. Perhaps the Fates don’t intend for me to accomplish this one, but once my doctor has given me the all clear, I’ll still certain to give it another go. Let’s just see how it plays out.
