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    Consciousness Corner: Thoughts on 50/50

    We’ve been doing this whole 50/50 thing for over a full year now and in many ways the 2-2-5 has become the ‘new normal’ for us both. That said, I don’t think it will EVER get ANY easier to say Goodbye (for now) to #LittleLadyHolland when she leaves for the long-leg stretch of her time with her Dad & Stepmom.

    I have many married friends who have expressed to me that they would kill for some quiet, alone time in their own homes without any children to care for or partners to consider. And while I certainly understand that sentiment, 5 full days of solitude every other week usually feels like an overdose of alone-time for me. I think perhaps, it is one of those ‘grass is greener on the other side’ type of things, because despite being single-by-choice AND knowing Hols needs time with her other parents (+ genuinely wanting them to enjoy her presence as well), I am often envious of my friends’ partnerships and continuous access to their children.

    But we all know that the grass is TRULY greener only where it is waterer, so I’ve been trying harder in 2023 to really dig deep and honor these sans-Holland stretches with things, people, and experiences that bring me joy and fulfillment. I know I am a better mom to Holland when I am first and foremost caring, compassionate, and kind to myself.

    This morning we hugged goodbye outside the school and she ran back for one last round of kisses before disappearing into the building for another day of 2nd Grade. We both know that our Invisible String keeps us connected, even when we are miles apart.

    I will honor this phase of my #singlemomlife journey by making the absolute most of these next 5 days. But there is little doubt that I will also scroll through photos like this one on my phone and daydream about all the adventures that await us both when my Very Best Girl returns home. ❤️

  • Languishing

    But its clear now that I have tried to make a permanent home out of this temporary situation and like a Bear awakening in the Spring, I realize my Languishing Cave cannot sustain me much longer. If I stay, I will eventually starve. My carefully constructed refuge now only offers the illusion of safety. Lingering here too long will bring about my own ruin. And I know it.
    And yet…

    begin again, find peace, give a damn, laugh more, live easy, love hard
    / April 6, 2023
  • Year 35

    A casual observer of my life since my 35th birthday would likely conclude that not much has changed in the…

    live easy
    / November 8, 2022
  • Before 35

    My annual 40-by-40 update is officially six days overdue; I haven’t even started it. It is forthcoming, but considering I…

    begin again, find peace
    / October 24, 2022
  • Year 33

    If I am granted the opportunity to reminisce in old age about my youth, I feel like I will point…

    live easy
    / November 18, 2020